the sinner in me
2009 Resolutions
Keep studying
Be a great boyfriend, and a good son
Be more all-rounded
Stop shrinking and start growing again
Be able to answer to myself
My Second Wind
I fear stagnation and lack of progress. I fear never reaching my potential and being average. I fear being forgotten. The past. Yesterday's news. I fear giving up and being passed by, going softly into that good night. I fear letting those I love down, letting myself down. I fear settling, giving in to the "that's just the way it is" mindset. I fear dying without leaving my mark. I fear not feeling these fears anymore and just floating along. These fears feed me, they nourish my drive.
I love my fear.
my second day on the job made for an interesting tale. there were funny people calling in - not because they cracked jokes but that they spoke with funny accents. people who know me well enough ought to know who i'm referring to, haha. i took chinese calls too, which was a bit of a terror, because my grasp of the language is woefully lacking. thankfully i scraped through and didn't have any complications. but there was this caller who takes the cake- he had over $300 of outstanding bills that weren't paid up, and well, basically after he did pay up, he was swearing at me for my company being slow to resume his services. throughout the scolding, my colleague had her hand firmly gripping my shoulder so that i wouldn't lambast him with my opinion on the matter. thank you cindy (:
the fallen saint left at 11:29 am
i look back at the bittersweet memories, of all the yous and i. yes, yous. i don't ask myself of what-if's, or for a second chance. i have finally been able to accept and move on. none of you were bad, no matter how horribly some experiences concluded themselves. each and every of you served a purpose in enriching my life, showing me the happiness that was possible, and also providing me with life's hard knocks.
the fallen saint left at 9:00 pm
i am contracted and no longer jobless as of yesterday. it is a great relief to have a primary concern sorted out. i never realised how worrisome it is to have no income and yet be constantly wittling away on one's savings; admittedly, it doesn't help that i don't have much savings to begin with.
the fallen saint left at 10:17 pm never consume two of the largest available servings of laksa consecutively.
the fallen saint left at 10:14 pm
there are two issues i want to address: what people think of me based on my past, and the emotional dilemma i'm finding myself in at the moment.
the fallen saint left at 9:41 pm
it seems that i've bitten off more than i can chew.
the fallen saint left at 6:03 pm i'm deleting people off my friendster, msn and handphone that i don't think i will ever talk to - again.
the fallen saint left at 10:49 am got woken up by an sms and now i can't get back to sleep. i gave up after turning in bed for about an hour.
the fallen saint left at 7:42 am
been in a bad mood the past couple of days and it doesn't help that a friend thinks i let her down. i'm not going to begin commenting about it here; i just want you to know i did what i thought was best for you, so take it or leave it. i'm not going to change the way i approach problems, because if you don't like it, then don't bring your problems to me.
the fallen saint left at 9:27 pm in kino today i saw a book containing absolut vodka's advertising campaigns of past and present. it opened my eyes to how the company took advertising to such a level.
the fallen saint left at 12:23 am
sometimes i wonder if taking that plunge for someone, and subsequently being rejected, is worth the trouble.
the fallen saint left at 4:30 am
while chatting on msn about my previous post..
the fallen saint left at 10:18 pm there comes a point in everyone's life where they realise they're getting older - much older - and that's when little children stop calling them 'kor kor', and start calling out 'uncle' so-and-so.
the fallen saint left at 9:16 pm
so stupidly happy now that i'm not even going to bother about blogging.
the fallen saint left at 2:16 pm
i've no reservations in helping friends who do need help; it is something i do well, after all. but there comes a point where need becomes want, for the sheer sake of dependency and utter laziness to do something on your own when you already know what you need to do.
the fallen saint left at 12:22 pm
caught a nasty cold - if i sneezed any harder my nose would fly off and get stuck on the wall at 100 mph. plus, i feel a fever coming on.
the fallen saint left at 7:48 pm
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
my baptism of fire
to make a long story short, taking phone calls on my second day felt like being thrown in at the deep end when i can barely swim. it was rather exciting though.
Sunday, November 26, 2006
the pain's gone
painful as some times were, they've taught me well. i stand here in respect of the lessons learnt.
but i am no longer frightened.
Friday, November 24, 2006
three cheers
it is also unusual to be written about on someone's blog, and to actually be complimented on my image. not that i'm allowing myself to get carried away of course, since i won't be dressed up again like that anytime soon.
right now i shall just enjoy my last days of freedom before i start work on monday (:
note to self
xS
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
coming to terms
as usual, there are people going around spreading their uninformed opinions of me. these aren't my friends for two reasons: friends know who i really am, and friends would not do such a thing even if i was half as bad as these people make me out to be. there is no need to defend myself, because i have made mistakes and paid for them. i thought after a few years you would get over it, because i got over it in months, but if you people have nothing better to do than to gossip about me, i say shame on you.
i admit i am someone who needs affection, but i also know it would be selfish to only seek that without reciprocating with commitment. it is a warped perception and solitary desire, but because i know it is selfish, i will not indulge myself. at the same time, i am afraid to give myself emotionally to someone. i fear making myself vulnerable again, and i cannot stand for that to happen. this fear keeps me company day and night.
but fear drives me. i want to be whole again, someday.
and to anonymous, is the myth that i am fat your greatest concern in this world? haha.
Thursday, November 16, 2006
help!
lately there've been so many phone calls from firms and recruiters that i don't remember who's who anymore. i can't even remember when my interviews are! i don't remember which companies i applied to, what positions for, the agents' names, or the recruiters'.
i've got 3 interviews on monday and they are quite important, but i've got no formal wear to attend them in. i think the weekend will see me doing some serious (sponsored) shopping.
now, if only i was already 21 and had a supplementary credit card..
electronic housekeeping
i've said before i don't believe in adding people's contacts to make up numbers. social networking is fine, but make sure it really means something.
i just hope i don't delete anyone by accident. haha.
grouchy
not happy.
Wednesday, November 15, 2006
foul as can be
i'm no psychotherapist, or certified counsellor. if you think i can help you with your problem, then tell it to me as a friend. but remember, when you throw out a problem, you've got to be prepared for absolutely anything. i don't sugar coat my words, and i'm often brutally frank and honest, because i don't believe in giving stupidly false hope.
like clive owen said in The Follow, "there's always something waiting at the end of the road. if you're not willing to see what it is, you probably shouldn't be out there in the first place."
i'm just a man, i'm not a hero.
and if i ever see the driver of that silver citroen van within the vicinity of my estate i swear i will mangle him with my bare hands.
on a slightly more positive note, i've been sending out e-mails with my resume to so many prospective employers that when every one of them called me, i was utterly clueless as to who they were or where they were from. in any case, i hope i get a decent job soon - living on savings isn't very appealing.
posters and depictions
forget fashion labels, handphone manufacturers or whatever else that could possibly inspire. absolut is now, and although i never fancied vodka, their campaigns are peerlessly inspiring.
Monday, November 13, 2006
weighing
i love myself too much to change the way i do things just to appease someone. i'm sorry, but if i have to compromise myself for any girl, then she's not worth it. it's a hard line to walk, but why should i settle for second best?
Thursday, November 09, 2006
this is bad
olivia:
hmmm maybe u look... FATHERLY
time's catching me
can i just be alex kor kor?
Tuesday, November 07, 2006
ORD!
Sunday, November 05, 2006
crossing my arms
i try to be as nice as i can, and as patient as i can, but i'm not an angel, and certainly not yours. i can't refuse to be there for you through the same bloody problem every term. i have my own life and you have yours, and it's about time you act your age and start getting your own hands dirty. it irritates me that you approach me about a problem that you've overcome before.
for heaven's sake, which fucking student doesn't feel stressed about exams and studies.
if you see this, you can hate me all you want. i'm not sorry for ignoring your plea.
Wednesday, November 01, 2006
down and out
this is so not the right time to fall ill.